Written by: Tony Hoare
Duration: 90 minutes
Josie, Malcolm, Bayleaf and Kevin go out Christmas shopping in George's limo and stop outside a shopping centre in the West End, where they spot Charisma dressed as Father Christmas! Naturally, Charisma is not pleased to see them, although the visit works in his favour when two youth's nick his collection bucket and run off!
Hallam and Sandra go Christmas shopping and Hallam picks an awful jumper for his father-in-law Albert.
Sicknote complains about the possibility about working the Christmas Watch although he hasn't worked at Christmas for years! The main reason he is so annoyed is because he'll be missing the Penge Occassional Players' Christmas Panto!
Albert and Edith arrive at the Hallam's, where Edith reveals that they plan to stay on for a bit if they like it!
The Watch all pick slips of paper to choose who will have the Christmas Watch off. Vaseline picks a winning slip and Tony picks a slip, which could put him on standby at another station if he is needed. Sicknote is gutted and tries his hardest to do a swap with Vaseline!
Hallam's crew are sent to give out smoke alarm leaflets. Hallam and Vaseline go to Blake's Restaurant. But the owner is not interested about fitting an alarm in his restaurant or his home. Josie and Sicknote enter a party, where Josie is chatted up by some bloke. But as George receives a call from control, he sounds the sirens, getting Josie off the hook, who deliberately chucks the bloke's drink over him!
En route to the shout, the appliance collides with a car and goes into roadworks on the side of the road and it is flipped over! The windscreen falls out and shatters and luckily everyone is alright. Hallam gets out of the appliance and approaches the driver and turns off the car engine, before realising that the man is drunk. George walks over to the driver and has to be restrained by the Watch, when he realises the driver is drunk.
George and Vaseline later discuss moonlighting for Cyril over Christmas and as Sicknote tries to persuade Vaseline to work Christmas Watch again, Vaseline makes up some story about not wanting to leave pregnant Marion alone at Christmas!
Charisma arrives home from work to find Donna selling dangerous toys in his front room! Charisma goes mad and shows the women just how dangerous the toys are, by pulling an eye off of a teddy bear. He tells them all that it's imported rubbish that Donna has picked up from some old back street wholesale.
Sicknote jealously watches the rehersals for Cinderella with another bloke playing Buttons. He is wound up by the Ugly Sisters and starts moaning, which causes Paul, the director, to threaten to ask him to leave!
Tate and Nancy collect Paul, who is spending the Christmas with them. Nancy however, is worried that she will become too attached.]
Josie arrives at her parents and is planning to stay the night. When Josie reveals that her mum has invited Gerry, she isn't happy and has an argument, before leaving.
Vaseline lies to Marion, telling her that he is working the Christmas Watch! Marion is especially not happy when he announces that he is going out to the pub with the lads. She was planning on them both going to her parents to swap presents.
Josie later arrives at the pub, where she and Bayleaf talk about their Christmas Eve plans. Marion arrives, looking for Vaseline much to the amusement of the Watch. The Watch later leave the pub, where Malcolm reveals that he is supposed to be going to his sister's, but instead he's going to a party in Fulham! The Watch go their separate ways and Josie and Bayleaf go off together.
George gets nicked by a plain clothed female police officer for kerb crawling, but he insists he was only doing her a favour by offering her a lift!
The Hallam's have Christmas Dinner, but Hallam is less than thrilled, especially when Albert puts too much brandy on the christmas pudding, without Sandra realising and Hallam lights in and it singes his eyebrows!
Vaseline drives through someone's front room, after he is too pre-occupied with the couple on the back seat! Then while being interviewed by the police, Vaseline is recognised by a fireman from another station!
At Josie's flat, she suggests that she and Bayleaf pretend to enjoy themselves, but Bayleaf can't see why they can enjoy themselves. As they are sitting quietly, with music playing in the background, Bayleaf moves into kiss Josie but she stops him at first, but gives in. They end up sleeping together and Josie ends up asking Bayleaf to leave.
It's Christmas Day and Malcolm arrives into work to be told by another Watch member about Vaseline! Josie arrives into work still drunk from the night before and decides to tell Malcolm and Sicknote what she exactly thinks of them.
Vaseline tells Marion that he phoned in sick the night before and is off for Christmas after all! She is pleased, but isn't so pleased when she is given her Christmas present - a knitting kit! Vaseline suggests that she knits something for the baby, which causes Marion to cry!
Hallam still isn't happy about his eyebrows and Tate suggests using Sandra's eyebrow pencil, but it wasn't Hallam's colour!
George rings Cyril to try to get bailed. But Cyril isn't happy about Vaseline and George and calls George a pervert!
Bayleaf attempts to sort things with Josie, who tells him that the night before was a mistake and as Bayleaf tries to justify it, she tells him that she hopes he won't start to be nauseatingly romantic! Bayleaf ends up following her up the stairs and tells her that she is the one being juvenile and that she is lucky that the watch are sticking up for her! Although Josie is adament that she is not drunk.
It turns out that Albert liked the awful jumper and as Hallam reveals his present from Albert was fertiliser, a chorus of 'Ding Dong Merrily on High, the Sub has got no eyebrows!' errupts from behind him!
Jim Medhurst walks into the station to see Kevin, who takes Bayleaf to one side and reveals that he thinks his dad has legged it from the nick! They end up hiding Jim down in the basement kit room. Kevin is not happy. His dad only had 3 months left and then he would have been out on parole.
Bayleaf rings Marion about Vaseline's accident, which Vaseline denies!
The Watch discuss Christmas presents, where Sicknote reveals he got a shaving kit from the kids and is told a First Aid kit would be more appropriate! Nancy enters the mess with Paul, who she introduces to the Watch, as Josie quickly runs out, feeling sick.
Kevin reveals to Jim that the police have been to see his mum and as Kevin goes to leave the room, Hallam finds him and wants to know why Jim is down there.
Vaseline gives Marion a gold necklace and she wonders if it is really gold! He then takes her out for a meal at Blake's where there is a leak on the floor in the kitchen. A pipe ends up bursting and water goes everywhere. The Brigade are called and Vaseline turns the water off. As the Watch arrive, a gas cooker explodes, engulfing the kitchen and restaurant in flames.
Tony and Dorothy's parents join them for Christmas dinner, where Dorothy's dad constantly moans about foreign muck. Tony has enough and asks Dorothy to tell his dad to leave. She won't, so Tony leaves, but is closely followed by Dorothy.
Jim hands himself into the police as George is bailed.
The Watch have Christmas dinner in the mess, along with Nancy, Paul, Marion and Dorothy. George arrives after being bailed and asks Hallam what happened to his eyebrows, which results in another round of 'Ding Dong Merrily on High, the Sub has got no eyebrows!'
Sicknote is still moaning about having to work the Christmas Watch because he will miss his panto...
Vaseline to the couple in the back of the car, after he had crashed through a couple's front room wall!
Malcolm - Rupert Baker
Sandra Hallam - Kim Clifford
Director: Les Blair
Producer: Paul Knight
Executive Producer: Linda Agran
Airdate: 25TH December 1988
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Memorable Quotes:
Sicknote: "Well, I suppose you've never seen my buttons?"
Vaseline: "I use a zip meself!"
Vaseline: "Did the earth move for you too?"
Starring:
Kevin - Ross Boatman
Bayleaf - James Hazeldine
Josie - Katharine Rogers
George - Glen Murphy
Charisma - Gerard Horan
Sub Officer Hallam - Sean Blowers
Sicknote - Richard Walsh
Vaseline - Mark Arden
Tony - Treva Etienne
Station Officer Tate - James Marcus
Maggie - Shirley Greenwood
Donna - Paddy Navin
Nancy - Yvonne Edgell
Marion - Helen Blizard
Jean Quigley - Amanda Dickinson
Dorothy - Carol Harrison
Jim Medhurst - Doug Fisher
Albert - Charles Simon
Edith - Hazel Bainbridge
Cyril - Henry Goodman
Blake - Joseph Long
Alf Burgess - Dave Atkins
Joyce Burgess - Toni Palmer
Miranda Sanderson - Isabelle Lucas
Barney Sanderson - Ruddy L. Davis
Josie's Mum - Sandra Voe
Josie's Dad - Glenn Williams
Josie's Brother - David Warwick
Buttons - Simon Butteriss
Theatre Director - Richard Syms
Ugly Sisters - Peter MacKriel and Alex Bregonzi
Sergeant - Arthur White
Policewoman - Caroline Webster
Partygoers - Jonathan Coote, Lorraine Melins and Alan Perrin
Women at Donna's - Penny Ryder and Natasha Williams
Drunk - Trevor Cooper
Couple in flat - Denise Ryan and Fred Haggerty
Passenger in limo - Charles Collingwood
Chef - Graham Walters
Assistant Chef - Derek Ware
Fireman - Garrie J. Lemmin
Woman in supermarket - Yvonne Riley
Drunk driver - Jason White
Paul - Paul Carter